The Poker Diary

My previous post may have been a bit inflammatory toward PokerStars. I really didn't have much documentation on how frequently I've been bent over and violated by the world's largest poker room, so I figure they deserve another chance. A documented chance. So here we go!

I, Nose Knows, am entering an 11 dollar, 180 person turbo no limit texas hold 'em tournament. The top 18 players will be paid, and the winner takes home almost six hundred smackeroos. The "turbo" lingo has a huge effect on how the game is played...blinds go up every 5 minutes, so play is hectic, insane, and idiotic. Let's see how this goes.

6:28 pm I have successfully registered for the tournament. So far, so good.

6:32 Let's shuffle up and laugh at L Tray!

6:32 Seated at my table of 9 include a guy from Argentina, Italy, and two other unrecognizeable, foreign hometowns. How does the internet even work, anyway? What is "the internet?" Can anyone explain it? Ok, I will now put down the bong.

6:34 Each player has an option to choose an image to go along with his or her screen name. Here's mine:

I make it a point to block the image of anyone socially awkward and/or European enough to actually put a picture of themselves as the avatar. I have already blocked 3 images. Humans are infuriating.

6:36 After 4 minutes, there are already 7 people eliminated from the field of 180. 5 of them had either AA or KK cracked.

6:37 I don't like Michael Wilbon outside of PTI.

6:37 And I really don't like Stuart Scott. Ever.

6:37 Apparently I'm a racist.

6:38 AK suited! I raise. Ooooo nice flop, lots of outs.

6:39 Rivered a straight! Winner winner chicken dinner! I started with 1,500 and now I have 2,950. Solid.

6:40 And by the way, some of you might think that because I rivered a straight, I sucked out. The flop had a Q and a T in it along with two diamonds, which meant that a Jack or another diamond would virtually guarantee a victory in the hand. 12 outs with two cards to go is over a 45% chance to hit. I took it and ran with it, son.

6:42 AK again, just knocked a guy out and won 500 more chips. We're at 3,500 now. Already 31 people are out of the tourney.

6:43 Jeff Van Gundy, while ugly, is actually a fantastic basketball commentator. I find his voice pleasing and his analysis of the ins and outs of the game downright scintillating. And strangely, a lot of my peers disagree with me. I haven't talked with one other person who overly enjoys his commentary. The lesson of course, is that you're all idiots.

6:47 My pocket sixes just faced a big raise, and I called.

6:48 That was stupid. Completely my fault. He had 88, and I got mowed down. The chip count is down to 2,400. Meanwhile, blinds are already at 50/100. Gotta make some moves.

6:49 125 people left. 17 minutes and the third of the field is now doing something else. Told you this was nutty.

6:50 Can you believe that the Bulls got the #1 pick in the draft? Unreal. Here's the thing about the #1 pick. If it's not used to take Derrick Rose, I will refuse to acknowledge John Paxson and the 1993 Chicago Bulls. I still have 5 other titles to remember. I don't need that one. Hopefully Johnny Pax knows the importance of drafting a hometown superstar whenever the opportunity arises.

6:53 I have a Nintendo Wii. I bought Wii Fit the other day because I've really been craving some yoga. I loaded it up, gave my height (6'4) and age (24), and the game told me that my BMI is 26% and, at 214 pounds, I am overweight. If this isn't shocking, nothing is. It really speaks to the innovation of the whole "exercise video game" concept. If there were one aspect of society that I would have thought to have been safe from calling me a slob, it would have been the video game industry. Instead, that's the only aspect of society that calls me fat. Also, gas is $4.20 and I love Jeff Van Gundy. What a world.

6:57 In poker news, I'm out of the tournament. With 2,000 chips and AK once again, I raised to 600. I was reraised all in by a guy with 4,000 in chips. He had AQ, and naturally, hit his queen on the flop. So there we have it. It's rigged, and as I suspected, my account is jinxed by a faraway shaman. What a fun half hour.

7:00 Dammit.

Why My Blood Pressure Is High

This just about sums it up. Welcome to PokerStars, where the best hand really has to sweat it out. No, check that.

Welcome to PokerStars, where the best hand gets shit on. Much better.

PS is one of the world's largest poker sites, with nearly 100,000 players logged on every night. With that many hands being dealt, bad beats are going to happen. They just are. But strangely enough, they find Nose Knows (that would be my screen name) more often than other people.

Today, oddly enough, this happened to me again. Like Phil Hellmuth, I went in with the superior hand (80% chance to win every time) and I went out nearly breaking my hand on the arm of my couch due to my Holyfield impression. So, even more like Phil Hellmuth, I complained. Here's a word-for-word email that I wrote to PokerStars support. I have yet to receive a response.

Dear PokerStars servers,

Kindly remove whatever hex you have on my account so I can see some winning hands for once. Up yours. AA rocked by JJ preflop followed by AJ losing to A9 preflop. He had quad nines on that hand, by the way. Yeah, that's realistic. I'm not sure if there's a shaman or some other kind of magic practitioner chanting endlessly whenever I'm logged on, but whatever the case may be, I am done seeing my 80% preflop advantages shit on. THANKS.

Luke Norman Trayser
Crystal Lake, IL

The infuriating thing about these beats in online poker (other than the massive chip hemorrhage) is the balls that are displayed by the people who sucked out on you. Here are some things that have been typed to me after morons have unfairly taken my chips. Insult to injury, you might say.

1. "Nice hand, douchebag!!"
2. "lolololol"
3. "Go kill yourself"
4. "HAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA"
5. "Thanks for the chips"

I'm amazed I haven't broken my computer screen yet. I reeeeeeeeally hate #5. As if it were my decision to hand my precious intangible chips to a player from Scandinavia. This hobby will give me a heart attack sooner rather than later.

Man, I need to start investing.

Just To Make Sure We Don't Take Entertainment For Granted...

...Sex and the City is back! Yayyyyy! For those of you who wondered what it would take to get me to get out of my month-long slump and finally compose something new, all it took was dumbass Sarah Jessica Parker. Way to go, Sarah! I mean Sarah Jessica!

Look at that smile. It could launch a thousand ships...whose intention would be to get as far away from her as possible. If we could be channeled into her brain at the time that this photograph was taken, I'm sure her inner monologue would read something like "BWAHAHAHAHA, I am relevant again! Watch me wear a tree on my head! American girls will instantly crave arboreal hats! I'm married to Matthew Broderick! Look at my shoes! Look at them! Aren't they spectacular? Aren't they just stinky? Oh, by the way, stinky now means 'craveable/awesome.' That's how much power I have! Hopefully all this power doesn't go to my head!"

Zing.

After initially ridiculing her, I started to think that maybe this picture was Photoshopped. No one is this stupid. Right?

What an idiot.

Thanks go to Mary for sending me this picture. I'll be back soon to talk about poker, video games, male superiority, the San Antonio Spurs, and the 2008 World Series Champion Chicago Cubs(whose stadium I still can't stand).