Thursday, May 22, 2008

Why My Blood Pressure Is High


This just about sums it up. Welcome to PokerStars, where the best hand really has to sweat it out. No, check that.

Welcome to PokerStars, where the best hand gets shit on. Much better.

PS is one of the world's largest poker sites, with nearly 100,000 players logged on every night. With that many hands being dealt, bad beats are going to happen. They just are. But strangely enough, they find Nose Knows (that would be my screen name) more often than other people.

Today, oddly enough, this happened to me again. Like Phil Hellmuth, I went in with the superior hand (80% chance to win every time) and I went out nearly breaking my hand on the arm of my couch due to my Holyfield impression. So, even more like Phil Hellmuth, I complained. Here's a word-for-word email that I wrote to PokerStars support. I have yet to receive a response.

Dear PokerStars servers,

Kindly remove whatever hex you have on my account so I can see some winning hands for once. Up yours. AA rocked by JJ preflop followed by AJ losing to A9 preflop. He had quad nines on that hand, by the way. Yeah, that's realistic. I'm not sure if there's a shaman or some other kind of magic practitioner chanting endlessly whenever I'm logged on, but whatever the case may be, I am done seeing my 80% preflop advantages shit on. THANKS.

Luke Norman Trayser
Crystal Lake, IL

The infuriating thing about these beats in online poker (other than the massive chip hemorrhage) is the balls that are displayed by the people who sucked out on you. Here are some things that have been typed to me after morons have unfairly taken my chips. Insult to injury, you might say.

1. "Nice hand, douchebag!!"
2. "lolololol"
3. "Go kill yourself"
4. "HAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA"
5. "Thanks for the chips"

I'm amazed I haven't broken my computer screen yet. I reeeeeeeeally hate #5. As if it were my decision to hand my precious intangible chips to a player from Scandinavia. This hobby will give me a heart attack sooner rather than later.

Man, I need to start investing.

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