The Poker Diary

My previous post may have been a bit inflammatory toward PokerStars. I really didn't have much documentation on how frequently I've been bent over and violated by the world's largest poker room, so I figure they deserve another chance. A documented chance. So here we go!

I, Nose Knows, am entering an 11 dollar, 180 person turbo no limit texas hold 'em tournament. The top 18 players will be paid, and the winner takes home almost six hundred smackeroos. The "turbo" lingo has a huge effect on how the game is played...blinds go up every 5 minutes, so play is hectic, insane, and idiotic. Let's see how this goes.

6:28 pm I have successfully registered for the tournament. So far, so good.

6:32 Let's shuffle up and laugh at L Tray!

6:32 Seated at my table of 9 include a guy from Argentina, Italy, and two other unrecognizeable, foreign hometowns. How does the internet even work, anyway? What is "the internet?" Can anyone explain it? Ok, I will now put down the bong.

6:34 Each player has an option to choose an image to go along with his or her screen name. Here's mine:

I make it a point to block the image of anyone socially awkward and/or European enough to actually put a picture of themselves as the avatar. I have already blocked 3 images. Humans are infuriating.

6:36 After 4 minutes, there are already 7 people eliminated from the field of 180. 5 of them had either AA or KK cracked.

6:37 I don't like Michael Wilbon outside of PTI.

6:37 And I really don't like Stuart Scott. Ever.

6:37 Apparently I'm a racist.

6:38 AK suited! I raise. Ooooo nice flop, lots of outs.

6:39 Rivered a straight! Winner winner chicken dinner! I started with 1,500 and now I have 2,950. Solid.

6:40 And by the way, some of you might think that because I rivered a straight, I sucked out. The flop had a Q and a T in it along with two diamonds, which meant that a Jack or another diamond would virtually guarantee a victory in the hand. 12 outs with two cards to go is over a 45% chance to hit. I took it and ran with it, son.

6:42 AK again, just knocked a guy out and won 500 more chips. We're at 3,500 now. Already 31 people are out of the tourney.

6:43 Jeff Van Gundy, while ugly, is actually a fantastic basketball commentator. I find his voice pleasing and his analysis of the ins and outs of the game downright scintillating. And strangely, a lot of my peers disagree with me. I haven't talked with one other person who overly enjoys his commentary. The lesson of course, is that you're all idiots.

6:47 My pocket sixes just faced a big raise, and I called.

6:48 That was stupid. Completely my fault. He had 88, and I got mowed down. The chip count is down to 2,400. Meanwhile, blinds are already at 50/100. Gotta make some moves.

6:49 125 people left. 17 minutes and the third of the field is now doing something else. Told you this was nutty.

6:50 Can you believe that the Bulls got the #1 pick in the draft? Unreal. Here's the thing about the #1 pick. If it's not used to take Derrick Rose, I will refuse to acknowledge John Paxson and the 1993 Chicago Bulls. I still have 5 other titles to remember. I don't need that one. Hopefully Johnny Pax knows the importance of drafting a hometown superstar whenever the opportunity arises.

6:53 I have a Nintendo Wii. I bought Wii Fit the other day because I've really been craving some yoga. I loaded it up, gave my height (6'4) and age (24), and the game told me that my BMI is 26% and, at 214 pounds, I am overweight. If this isn't shocking, nothing is. It really speaks to the innovation of the whole "exercise video game" concept. If there were one aspect of society that I would have thought to have been safe from calling me a slob, it would have been the video game industry. Instead, that's the only aspect of society that calls me fat. Also, gas is $4.20 and I love Jeff Van Gundy. What a world.

6:57 In poker news, I'm out of the tournament. With 2,000 chips and AK once again, I raised to 600. I was reraised all in by a guy with 4,000 in chips. He had AQ, and naturally, hit his queen on the flop. So there we have it. It's rigged, and as I suspected, my account is jinxed by a faraway shaman. What a fun half hour.

7:00 Dammit.