What Nike and Jordan Have In Common With L Tray and Halo 3

There are a couple commercials that I've seen recently that really hit home. First is a Nike commercial that has athletes such as LT and Matt Holliday telling me that their better's better than my better. Although this slogan really doesn't make a whole lot of sense, I assume that what they're saying is that when they need to push to an extra gear, they leave us normies in the dust.

Before I connect this commercial to my Halo 3 superiority, I must say that I have some problems with it. Let's take a look at its stars. All of them, at best, have taken home prestigious individual awards and forgotten to take championships with them. Oops.





1. Matt Holliday-Josh Beckett's better is better than your better.
2. Steve Nash-Tony Parker's better is better than your better.
3. LaDainian Tomlinson-Manning and Brady's better is better than your better.
4. Hope Solo-You ride pine. Everyone's better is better than your better.
5. Kevin Durant-Every small forward in the NBA's better is better than your better.
6. Numerous Little Kids, Insects, and Women: L Tray's better is better than your better. You are inferior.

Moving on, we also have a new Jordan commercial. This one is kickass.

Past champions coupled with shots of current teams and stars working hard late into the night. This is how you make a commercial. You don't win titles with talent alone. You also need to practice more and to want it more than anyone else. Now, with that being said, behold L Tray in all his Halo 3 glory. The map is Construct, by far the best in the game. Here's Picture #1:

See that crumpled blue body parallel to the floor? That's my corpse. That's TrukeLayser. I can hear all you fools now. "L Tray, you said you were good at Halo!!1 You are obviously garbage! You are a liar!!!!111 lmfao" Shhh. It's okay. Calm down. Go flog your dolphin. Take a closer look at the picture. It says I was killed by Kleeno008. See that red body above mine? See that explosion in the background? That's Kleeno, getting his shit blown up by my posthumous grenade. Halo 3 calls that a "Death From the Grave."

You see, it's always a good idea to fire grenades wildly when you know you're about to bite it. As SNL cast member Jason Sudeikis recently observed on Conan, what the teenagers like to do when they play Halo is to annihilate you, then crouch/stand/crouch/stand over the corpse. They kill you, then hump you. It's really quite degrading. That said, a well-placed grenade effectively obliterates someone who is mid-hump. Very satisfying. And it doesn't seem like much, but that one kill can be the difference between a win and a loss. It's a game of inches. Al Pacino would agree. Here's Picture #2.

Pretty easy to see what's going on here. I have a sword, and I have completely wrecked an unidentified noob. There's not too many feelings greater than the one that comes when idiots turn a corner armed with an assault rifle and a prayer. You can almost hear them poop their pants when they see the sword coming at them. Beautiful. Picture #3:

Here I am smoking Kleeno again. Poor fella. He probably had no right thumb, forcing him to use the right analog stick with his teeth. I lit him up like a suburban front yard during Christmas. Notice the Double Kill medal on the left. My better was better. I practiced more. I wanted it more. The end result was 22 kills out of my team's 50, and only 9 deaths. +13 for the game. And yes, the final score was 50-49. Looks like that grenade early in the game was worth it after all. It's the little things, friends. Happy hunting.

Boy, Was I Misinformed!

So I was at my local music store the other day, looking to make a purchase or three(I always try to support the talentless, greedy hacks that run America's record companies) when I came across an intriguing album cover: Mass Romantic by the New Pornographers. For those of you unfamiliar with the record, here's a photo of it:

Is it hot in here?

I am always very thoughtful before I make a purchase. I'm not an "impulse shopper" by any means. That being said, here's the conversation I had with the store manager. And no, I am not very proud of what transpired.

L Tray: So you're telling me that I can get this obviously fantastic piece of pornography for only $7.99?

Manager, staring at me, horribly confused: If that's what the sticker says, then yes, you absoultely can.

L Tray: That is fantastic! I mean, I'm a huge fan of phone sex, and that can sometimes cost me a couple of dollars a minute, which really adds up. I mean, my stamina is through the roof. Know what I'm saying? I hold my hand up here, asking for a high five.

Manager, still staring at me, now absolutely horrified: No sir, I surely don't.

L Tray: Well, no matter. I can't believe that I'll be getting this for roughly 15 cents a minute! I cannot WAIT to get home and go to town on myself! What about you? Are you familiar with the work of these "New Pornographers?"

Manager: Yes, I am. I think you'll be very surprised.

L Tray: Oh, I don't know about that. I've been around the block, my friend. This is gonna do it for me. Wrap it up, my good sir!

I feel so stupid. Turns out The New Pornographers aren't actually a group of people that have an innovative take on audio pornography, but they're a group of people that play rock music together. And the cd? Yeah, it's good, I guess. "Mass Romantic" is one catchy song, that's for sure. But that isn't what I thought I was buying.

I know I'm embarrassing myself by writing this, but I'm sure that I'm not the first one to be fooled by the band name and album cover. I mean, what would you think? Look at those people! They are most assuredly bumpin' uglies! And that wild herbivore in the background is obviously thinking about joining in. That's some kinky shit! And then the cd starts playing.

Mass romantic fool wears Foster Grants/

His books on tape ring true/

Like everyone wants to say "I love you" to someone on the radio (radio)

How am I supposed to "relieve" my "stress" with lyrics like that? Huh?

Oh, well. At least I still have the album cover.

An Ode To Alcohol

At last, after all this time,

(It felt like a year!)

St. Patrick's Day is finally here!

On paper, the day celebrates all those Irish fools

But let's not kid ourselves: It's all about booze!

We all know the dangers of overindulging

We hear that drinking too much is vile and disgusting.

Well listen up, reverend. Get off your high horse.

I'm about to praise alcohol without care or remorse.

You see, alcohol has its redemptive traits, sis.

What are they, you ask? Why, just look at this list!

It turns fours into sevens, and sevens to nines,

comes in beer, rum, vodka, tequila and wines.

It makes fat people skinny, ugly ones hot,

Gives confidence to introverts in the form of a shot.

It can give meek little ladies the courage to shout,

Or give frat guys the stones to finally make out.

It never discriminates among gender or race,

Yet it won't heisitate to put lushes in place.

Some of alcohol's traits that have women's devotion

Include dulling the senses and heightening emotion.

The weepy can sob, the hoochies put out,

The dancers can flail, and the drama queens pout.

For men, delicious booze also enables;

It enables fist fights and the breaking of tables.

Yes, the rage the drink gives us is awesome indeed,

We shout, spit, and swear; we're just like Rasheed!

Yes, beer is for everyone, great with pizza slices,

And it makes beer bongs and car keys vital devices.

It makes boring days crazy, beer pong games intense

It makes songs more enjoyable, and laughter immense.

So on St. Paddy's Day, let's all raise our glasses

To alcohol, the champion; the kicker of asses.

Oh, and by the way...When I mentioned car keys as a vital drinking device, I was referring to shotgunning a beer. Not driving. Do not drink and drive, you big idiot. Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Worst of the Week

It's been a while since I've written something on this fantastic blog, so I figure a little recap is in order. Two things are on my mind right now:

1. Samwise Gamgee disguised as NY Governor/Ron Howard's Twin/Sex Maniac

Too much has been said about the king of all hobbit hypocrites already, so there's no hope for me to score points for originality. I just have some thoughts based on what I've heard about Eliot Spitzer, former governor of New York.

First of all, congrats on lasting over a year! That's something. It's certainly longer than you lasted anywhere else! OHHHH! I mean, rumor has it you have a strict anti-condom stance when you're SLAMMING PROSTITUTES! Fantastic call, Frodo. Not only do you give your wife the gift of unspeakable humiliation, but you also have the chance to wrap up a nice STD for her on the side! What a man! What a "moral crusader!" You're a joke.

Look at your wife, still by your side, supporting you. Why do these wives of politicians continue to stand next to the men whose newly disgraced name they willingly adopted? It makes no sense to me. If it were me, I'd kick that piece of Spitz in the balls about 10 times(one kick for each year this has been going on), and then call it a marriage. I mean, this woman puts her extremely successful career on hold to raise her daughters and support your political ambitions. You thank her by blowing 80 grand on hookers. Flowers, chocolate, or diamonds can sometimes be more acceptable presents. Just a heads up for next time.

And good lord, your daughters! How will they ever trust men again? At least they're all teenagers; those years don't really have an effect on how someone learns to show and accept love. You are such a scumbag. It'd be bad enough if you dragged your own name through the dirt, but now the 4 women in your life who share your name have to be subjected to the embarrassment that only you alone should be feeling. You, who paid almost six figures for sex. It's not fair.

Spitzer, you think you're alone here? You think you're the only one who gets tempted from time to time? You're not. I don't know why you were too weak and gave into the temptation to cheat...over and over and over. Maybe it's your baldness. Maybe it's your huge ears. Maybe it's that dong of yours that sounds horseish only if you use the metric system. ("It's 9 centimeters! I'm Peter North reborn!") The simple fact is, you blew it. Anyone who spits on a loving wife and 3 teenage daughters effectively blows it. The position you're in just guaranteed that this would be national news, not just family-and-friends news. With your Harvard Law degree, one might think you'd have been a little smarter when it came to handling temptation. But instead, you lost your job, possibly your marriage, and 80 thousand dollars. Solid week.

2. Chicago Sports

Oh, Michael. How we miss you. Times were so much simpler then. I was a little too young to fully appreciate the 6 championships in 8 years, a fact that still makes me rage to this day. I didn't know how great we had it for a while. Well, we're paying for it now. If memory serves, the city of Chicago has had no major championships since Jordan left. The White Sox don't count. They're an irrelevant brother, like Frank Stallone. I also don't count the Sky, the Wolves, or the Fire. I'm talking about Chicago's 5 major sports teams here. We'll start things off simply:

Chicago White Sox: Garbage. Next!

Chicago Cubs: The team looks pretty solid this year! It really is looking like 2008 could be a great season. But this feeling of optimism that has come over me is somewhat diminished by the fact that history has now given us over a century's worth of consecutive mushroom-slaps. Also, Wrigley Stadium is a dump, a jinx, and it smells like cat pee. But I already covered that part.

Chicago Blackhawks: The other of the 5 teams that has me feeling optimistic. Certainly not for this year, but there's some bonafide young talent, and home games are suddenly being televised. That said, it's hockey; nationally televised on Versus. Yes, that's a TV network, folks. Hockey's not dying, though! It's "cooler" than ever! Pun!

Chicago Bears: I really don't have too much to say here. It's the offseason, last year's team was pathetic, and it's looking like this year's team will be the same way. Yet Chicago sports radio won't stop talking about the Bears. I was thoroughly amazed by the uproar caused by the statements that newly-signed WR Brandon Lloyd made. First of all...um, hi! Brandon Lloyd was this year's big free agent signing? This spells trouble, son. Secondly, he believes Rex Grossman to be the starter. (a) The fact that Grossman might start next year is effing horrifying. (b) The fact that Lloyd made it a point to mention this so quickly after signing makes me think that it had a huge effect on why he became a Chicago Bear. He signed because he wants Rex Grossman throwing him the ball. God help us. Our free agent stud is fresh from the loony bin.

Chicago Bulls: Current record? 26-38, solid enough to be a half-game out of the final East playoff spot. "The NBA: Where mediocrity happens" I keep hearing that 2008 is a fantastic year to be an NBA fan. For fans of the Western Conference, the Celtics, the Pistons, the Cavs, and the Magic, I completely agree. But we're Bulls fans. Our leader in PPG is Andres "Crazy Eyes" Nocioni, at 14.2 per game. 14.2?? What is this, high school? We just picked up Larry Hughes, inspiration for the genius Cleveland blog http://www.heylarryhughespleasestoptakingsomanybadshots.com/ . Yes, we dumped Ben Wallace in the process. Hooray. Forgive me if I'm not ecstatic over here. Every night I see Tyson Chandler devouring lobs from CP3 over in New Orleans. He was a solid double-double guy in Chicago, so we let him go for a washed up, whiny brat that cost twice as much.

Way to go, Pax. If you played like you GM, you would have taken the pass from Horace in Game 6 against Phoenix in '93, and then instead of draining the trey, you would have held the ball for a few seconds, then called timeout. And instead of inbounding the ball after the TO, you would have held it for a 5 second violation. This is what you do. You wait. And wait. And wait. You are the poster boy for the No Balls Association. Gasol or Garnett would have helped A TON, but instead we hung onto Luol Deng and Ben Gordon for too long. They're currently struggling so mightily that they have virtually no trade value. Tyrus Thomas is headed down the same road. Kirk Hinrich suddenly realized he's white. Scrap it all, Pax! We need to start over, tank a few seasons again, and wait for another LeBron to fall into our laps. The only thing this nucleus will win is a championship in the two-on-two Hideous Face playoffs. We'd be unbeatable with Joakim "Wow, This Guy Is Ugly" Noah and Andres "The Vampire" Nocioni as the core, with Kirk "Harry Potter" Hinrich and Drew Gooden's beard coming off the bench. As for basketball? No, it won't work. Time to act. Time to start over.

Time to watch my Bulls DVDs and sob uncontrollably.