1. Samwise Gamgee disguised as NY Governor/Ron Howard's Twin/Sex Maniac
Too much has been said about the king of all hobbit hypocrites already, so there's no hope for me to score points for originality. I just have some thoughts based on what I've heard about Eliot Spitzer, former governor of New York.
First of all, congrats on lasting over a year! That's something. It's certainly longer than you lasted anywhere else! OHHHH! I mean, rumor has it you have a strict anti-condom stance when you're SLAMMING PROSTITUTES! Fantastic call, Frodo. Not only do you give your wife the gift of unspeakable humiliation, but you also have the chance to wrap up a nice STD for her on the side! What a man! What a "moral crusader!" You're a joke.
Look at your wife, still by your side, supporting you. Why do these wives of politicians continue to stand next to the men whose newly disgraced name they willingly adopted? It makes no sense to me. If it were me, I'd kick that piece of Spitz in the balls about 10 times(one kick for each year this has been going on), and then call it a marriage. I mean, this woman puts her extremely successful career on hold to raise her daughters and support your political ambitions. You thank her by blowing 80 grand on hookers. Flowers, chocolate, or diamonds can sometimes be more acceptable presents. Just a heads up for next time.
And good lord, your daughters! How will they ever trust men again? At least they're all teenagers; those years don't really have an effect on how someone learns to show and accept love. You are such a scumbag. It'd be bad enough if you dragged your own name through the dirt, but now the 4 women in your life who share your name have to be subjected to the embarrassment that only you alone should be feeling. You, who paid almost six figures for sex. It's not fair.
Spitzer, you think you're alone here? You think you're the only one who gets tempted from time to time? You're not. I don't know why you were too weak and gave into the temptation to cheat...over and over and over. Maybe it's your baldness. Maybe it's your huge ears. Maybe it's that dong of yours that sounds horseish only if you use the metric system. ("It's 9 centimeters! I'm Peter North reborn!") The simple fact is, you blew it. Anyone who spits on a loving wife and 3 teenage daughters effectively blows it. The position you're in just guaranteed that this would be national news, not just family-and-friends news. With your Harvard Law degree, one might think you'd have been a little smarter when it came to handling temptation. But instead, you lost your job, possibly your marriage, and 80 thousand dollars. Solid week.
Oh, Michael. How we miss you. Times were so much simpler then. I was a little too young to fully appreciate the 6 championships in 8 years, a fact that still makes me rage to this day. I didn't know how great we had it for a while. Well, we're paying for it now. If memory serves, the city of Chicago has had no major championships since Jordan left. The White Sox don't count. They're an irrelevant brother, like Frank Stallone. I also don't count the Sky, the Wolves, or the Fire. I'm talking about Chicago's 5 major sports teams here. We'll start things off simply:
Chicago White Sox: Garbage. Next!
Chicago Cubs: The team looks pretty solid this year! It really is looking like 2008 could be a great season. But this feeling of optimism that has come over me is somewhat diminished by the fact that history has now given us over a century's worth of consecutive mushroom-slaps. Also, Wrigley Stadium is a dump, a jinx, and it smells like cat pee. But I already covered that part.
Chicago Blackhawks: The other of the 5 teams that has me feeling optimistic. Certainly not for this year, but there's some bonafide young talent, and home games are suddenly being televised. That said, it's hockey; nationally televised on Versus. Yes, that's a TV network, folks. Hockey's not dying, though! It's "cooler" than ever! Pun!
Chicago Bears: I really don't have too much to say here. It's the offseason, last year's team was pathetic, and it's looking like this year's team will be the same way. Yet Chicago sports radio won't stop talking about the Bears. I was thoroughly amazed by the uproar caused by the statements that newly-signed WR Brandon Lloyd made. First of all...um, hi! Brandon Lloyd was this year's big free agent signing? This spells trouble, son. Secondly, he believes Rex Grossman to be the starter. (a) The fact that Grossman might start next year is effing horrifying. (b) The fact that Lloyd made it a point to mention this so quickly after signing makes me think that it had a huge effect on why he became a Chicago Bear. He signed because he wants Rex Grossman throwing him the ball. God help us. Our free agent stud is fresh from the loony bin.
Way to go, Pax. If you played like you GM, you would have taken the pass from Horace in Game 6 against Phoenix in '93, and then instead of draining the trey, you would have held the ball for a few seconds, then called timeout. And instead of inbounding the ball after the TO, you would have held it for a 5 second violation. This is what you do. You wait. And wait. And wait. You are the poster boy for the No Balls Association. Gasol or Garnett would have helped A TON, but instead we hung onto Luol Deng and Ben Gordon for too long. They're currently struggling so mightily that they have virtually no trade value. Tyrus Thomas is headed down the same road. Kirk Hinrich suddenly realized he's white. Scrap it all, Pax! We need to start over, tank a few seasons again, and wait for another LeBron to fall into our laps. The only thing this nucleus will win is a championship in the two-on-two Hideous Face playoffs. We'd be unbeatable with Joakim "Wow, This Guy Is Ugly" Noah and Andres "The Vampire" Nocioni as the core, with Kirk "Harry Potter" Hinrich and Drew Gooden's beard coming off the bench. As for basketball? No, it won't work. Time to act. Time to start over.
Time to watch my Bulls DVDs and sob uncontrollably.
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