An Ode To Alcohol

At last, after all this time,

(It felt like a year!)

St. Patrick's Day is finally here!

On paper, the day celebrates all those Irish fools

But let's not kid ourselves: It's all about booze!

We all know the dangers of overindulging

We hear that drinking too much is vile and disgusting.

Well listen up, reverend. Get off your high horse.

I'm about to praise alcohol without care or remorse.

You see, alcohol has its redemptive traits, sis.

What are they, you ask? Why, just look at this list!

It turns fours into sevens, and sevens to nines,

comes in beer, rum, vodka, tequila and wines.

It makes fat people skinny, ugly ones hot,

Gives confidence to introverts in the form of a shot.

It can give meek little ladies the courage to shout,

Or give frat guys the stones to finally make out.

It never discriminates among gender or race,

Yet it won't heisitate to put lushes in place.

Some of alcohol's traits that have women's devotion

Include dulling the senses and heightening emotion.

The weepy can sob, the hoochies put out,

The dancers can flail, and the drama queens pout.

For men, delicious booze also enables;

It enables fist fights and the breaking of tables.

Yes, the rage the drink gives us is awesome indeed,

We shout, spit, and swear; we're just like Rasheed!

Yes, beer is for everyone, great with pizza slices,

And it makes beer bongs and car keys vital devices.

It makes boring days crazy, beer pong games intense

It makes songs more enjoyable, and laughter immense.

So on St. Paddy's Day, let's all raise our glasses

To alcohol, the champion; the kicker of asses.

Oh, and by the way...When I mentioned car keys as a vital drinking device, I was referring to shotgunning a beer. Not driving. Do not drink and drive, you big idiot. Happy St. Patrick's Day.