The Real Oscar Preview

I'd like to apologize for my horrendous Oscar preview. I need to atone for my sins, and as a way of doing so, I am giving you all a preview by someone who really knows his nominees: a young man named Kyle. Let me tell you something about his dedication. With the exception of two movies, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and La Vie en Rose, the dude saw every single film that is nominated in the 4 actor categories, Best Picture, and Best Director. By my count, that is 17 movies. The man knows his flicks. Read on.

Welcome to Kyle's preview of the only categories that matter in the 80th Annual Academy Awards. Come and join me as I give you my own winners, Kyle’s “second place” award, as well as an honorable mention to those who should have been nominated in his or her respective category. I am right and if you see different results on February 24, just remember that they are wrong, and I am the man. And I am sorry to Marion Cotillard (Best Actress), and Julian Schnabel (Best Director), because their movies aren’t worth watching and therefore, they didn’t win.

Best Picture
Winner: No Country for Old Men


Kyle’s Second: Atonement
Honorable Mention: Into the Wild

Although Atonement is my favorite film overall, you can’t get past the power that No Country for Old Men has. The script is probably about three pages long and yet it tells maybe the best story of the year. It’s a terrific film, but the other four nominees (Atonement, Juno, There Will Be Blood, Michael Clayton) are worthy of the most anticipated award of the night as well.

Best Actor
Winner: Daniel Day-Lewis (There Will Be Blood)


Kyle’s Second: Viggo Mortensen (Eastern Promises)
Honorable Mention: Emile Hirsch (Into the Wild)

Daniel Day-Lewis is a man, and it’s about time that my generation notices him for being a man. He is going to take home his second Oscar and if he doesn’t, there is something seriously wrong with this world. That is all.

Best Actress
Winner: Cate Blanchett (Elizabeth: The Golden Age)


Kyle’s Second: Julie Christie (Away From Her)
Honorable Mention: Helena Bonham Carter: (Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street)

That’s right! The Oscar for Best actress, for the second year in a row, is going to the Queen of England! I want the Academy Awards to get out of the habit of automatically rewarding actors in biographical roles, but it’s not going to happen this year. Blanchett, surrounded by a cast full of intimidating male figures, is able to show the most power and dominance out of all of them.

Best Supporting Actor
Winner: Javier Bardem (No Country for Old Men)


Kyle’s Second: Tom Wilkinson (Michael Clayton)
Honorable Mention: Forest Whitaker (The Great Debaters)

Javier Bardem flips a coin… you get it right, you live… you get it wrong, you don’t live. “And the Oscar goes to… Javier Bardem!” An amazing role played by an amazing actor. Hal Holbrook, who is also nominated for this category, represents the whole supporting cast of Into the Wild. At least four or five different actors and actresses could have been nominated for their roles in the film.

Best Supporting Actress
Winner: Amy Ryan (Gone Baby Gone)


Kyle’s Second: Ruby Dee (American Gangster)
Honorable Mention: Alberta Watson (Away From Her)

I refuse to promote any more Oscar winning actresses who looked like a man, acted like a man, or played a man in their film. So, I’m sorry, but Cate Blanchett is not going to be a double Oscar winner this year for her Bob Dylan lookalike role in I’m Not There. Amy Ryan plays a slutty, drugged-out single mom, and for some reason you still want her to get her abducted child back. Oscar Gold.

Best Director
Winner: Joel Coen, Ethan Coen (No Country for Old Men)


Kyle’s Second: Paul Thomas Anderson (There Will Be Blood)
Honorable Mention: Joe Wright (Atonement)

The Coen Brothers have written, produced, and directed many great films over the years (Raising Arizona, Fargo, The Big Lebowski, O Brother Where Art Thou), but they have never won the Academy Award for best Director. This is their year.

Bands That Suck (as of January 2008)

I love arguing about music. There is no possible way anyone's opinion matters more than any other person's. We interpret what we hear in a unique way. A certain song's lyrics might be corny to me and meaningful to you. A guitar solo might be too obnoxious to some and wordless poetry to others. Nobody's opinion regarding anything about music is ever correct.

Except mine! Here is a superb and absolutely accurate list of some bands that currently suck.

The No-Talent Wastes of Time: Nickelback

Leading off with these guys on a Bands That Suck list is a no-brainer. They are what I like to call a Four-Way Suckfest. What this means is that their guitarist lacks the chops for a kickass solo, their bassist does not drop any sweet lines, their drummer can't stand out more than simply keeping the beat, and their lead singer(Chad Kroeger, huge douche) writes lyrics with all the beauty and elegance that I have when I'm dropping a deuce. 2 of the following song titles are made up, and the rest are actual Nickelback songs. See if you can spot the two pretenders.

If Everyone Cared
Savin' Me
Follow You Home
Your Penis Tastes Outstanding
Feelin' Way Too Damn Good
Why Do We Suck?
Figured You Out

The Band Crippled by Too Much Falsetto and a Harmless Sound: Coldplay


I actually listen to these guys. They have the look and they put on a solid, energetic live show. That being said, whenever I hear their music, I have to check to make sure I'm not at my dentist's office. This is rock music? Where are the guitars? Do they exist, or is their guitarist unplugged while he pretends to play? And Chris Martin sings with all the testicular fortitude you'd expect from someone who allowed his daughter to be named Apple. When I was driving the other day, I listened to 5 straight tracks from X&Y in order to determine whether Martin could go 30 straight seconds without using that horrendous falsetto. Sadly, results were inconclusive because I drove my car into a telephone pole midway through "Fix You." Oh, and speaking of horrendous falsettos...

Band That Rocked, Currently Sucks: Incubus

This just makes me sad. If you've never heard either S.C.I.E.N.C.E. or Make Yourself, drop me a line and I'll get them for you. Those are two fantastic records. And then, inexplicably, they tried to evolve. Yes, ladies, Brandon Boyd got hotter in the process. Surprisingly, I care very little about this fact. I'd rather hear good music. I don't want to hear songs like "Southern Girl" and "Love Hurts." I don't want to hear yet another man waste his voice by firing out some nice, mellow falsetto. I want to ROCK! Why can't anyone let me rock anymore? Are there no bands out there with some talent and genuine love for their craft?

The Worst Bands on the Planet: Fall Out Boy, Linkin Park, A Simple Plan, Good Charlotte, My Chemical Romance

I don't want to waste my time posting pictures of all these posers, so here are the 5 members of My Chemical Romance with their entry for Ugliest Band.

Now I know what a piano would look like if it were trying too hard to be emo.

I can't bring myself to write anything more about these 5 bands. They're all so bad, they really defy description. They craft an image for themselves in order to hit a certain demographic (Early teenage girls) and sacrifice any shred of musicianship they may have had. What happened to the good ol' days, when music was improvised? Did they really just pass me by?

Wow, I feel old.

Why Radical Islamists Hate Us

Take a look at the top 5 movies this weekend.

1. Meet the Spartans $18.5M
2. Rambo $18.2M
3. 27 Dresses $13.4M
4. Cloverfield $12.7M
5. Untraceable $11.4M

Look at that savvy squad of films up there. Is there a gun to your head, people? Do you really need to see a movie every weekend? Meet the Spartans at #1? Really? By puking up almost 20 million dollars, we ensured that more of those horrendous spoofs will be made in the future. Fantastic. Spartans has a 3% on Rotten Tomatoes. That's almost impossible. 97 out of 100 critics hated this movie. And it made 20 million. Oh, and I also had a little fun on IMDB just now. Here are some quotes that pop up for various films.

The Godfather:
Don Corleone, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your home on the wedding day of your daughter. And may their first child be a masculine child.

Casablanca:
Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine.

Meet the Spartans:
What you laughin' at, cracka?

#1 movie. Awesome. If you're looking for a date idea next time, go out to dinner. See a concert. Rent a movie. Throw a football around. Sled. Play World of Warcraft. Watch a YouTube tutorial on how to properly krump. Do anything else. Or, if you really wanted to see Meet the Spartans this weekend, make dual appointments for a vasectomy and some tied tubes.

If You Date a Simpson, You Suck

Some women can make you a poet. You can hear music in a different way because of them, you would do absolutely anything for them, and you just might even lay down your life for them. And then we have Jessica and Ashlee Simpson. These two bimbos share an affinity for poser boyfriends and a sexually tense relationship with their father. In fact, in order to learn more about Jessica and Ashlee, I will be sitting down with their most current boyfriends: Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys and Pete Wentz of the band Fall Out Boy. Wait, what? Romo dumped Jessica? All because he blew that Giants game? Ok, then. I'll just be talking to Wentz. Now, I don't want to make a fool out of him. I'm a professional, and I'd like to conduct a calm, neutral, unbiased interview. That said, here's a leadoff picture of the guy.

L Tray: Hi there, Pete. Why don't you have a seat. Oh, and here's the picture I'll be using to introduce you. Is that okay with you?

Wentz: Oh, yeah! I love that picture! I only wish that I had used a little more eyeshadow for this one. There just isn't quite enough, you know?

L Tray: Uh..

Wentz: I also love the little "roar" next to me! I really do look like a tiger or something! I'm gonna getcha! Hahaha! My goodness, that is one special picture.

L Tray: So, how are things with Ashlee?

Wentz: Oh, thank you! Thank you for asking! Things are just spectacular, yes they are.

L Tray: So have you been able to find out why she has to have her name spelled like she does? She couldn't be called Ashley? Did you slap Joe in the face for that?

Wentz: She is just so unique. I think that's what Joe was going for.

L Tray: She's not unique. Unless you count the fact that she is the only lead singer for a rock band who lip syncs. That is amazingly unique. I mean, she doesn't even dance or anything! Why in the name of 99 cent nuggets does she lip sync? Is she that untalented?

Wentz: Yes.

L Tray: Oh. Well, thank you for your honest response.

Wentz leans in and starts to whisper.

Wentz: I'm only in this relationship for publicity. I really am not attracted to her at all.

L Tray: Well, that's understandable. She's just trying wayyyy too hard. It's so unattractive. And her face! I just want to punch it! When she does that little pucker...

Wentz: No, you don't understand. You read that Blender article on me, right?

L Tray: Ohhhh...I see what you're saying.

Wentz is referring to the article in which he admitted to being bisexual, kissing all up on some dudes, and in general being sexually attracted to men.

L Tray: You're gay? Really? That's so hard to believe!



Wentz: I know, I know.

L Tray: Oh, and by the way..I loved how you were just criticizing Ashlee's talentless musicianship when you're the bass player for a pop punk band. Wow, that sure is difficult.

Wentz: What? You're saying it's easy doing what I do?

L Tray: Brilliant deduction, Inspector.

Wentz: Bitch, you think this is easy? I don't see you doing it!

L Tray: You're right. I know enough not to develop an eating disorder, wear more makeup than a 45 year old divorcee, and embarrass myself on stage night after night. Your band is awful.

Wentz: Bitch! Drop your pants! Let's do this! Right now!

L Tray: That...is not a typical response.

The Oscars! Does Anyone Care?

Well, I do. We've got some sweet nominations for Best Picture this year. I've seen two of the five, and I'll be seeing the other 3 very soon. Let's compare what Rotten Tomatoes thinks with what I think in order to predict the winner. Using this method, I can boldly make a McDowell Guarantee that the winner will be predicted right here on this page. We'll go through the nominations alphabetically.

Atonement

Rotten Tomatoes Says: 82% Wow, I've never in my entire life seen a nomination go to a wartime love story with thick accents. This one caught me off guard. And yes, I've seen it. Yes, I enjoyed it. There were some great shots in it. It was filmed by Joe Wright, the same guy who directed Pride & Prejudice, which was also beautifully shot. Shut up.

Juno

Rotten Tomatoes Says: 93% This is the other one that I've seen. I laughed quite a bit. Michael Cera, J.K. Simmons, and Jason Bateman are all hilarious. And I guess Ellen Page and Jennifer Garner did pretty well, considering their double X chromosome makes them inferior. But seriously, Page was incredible. She could very well run away with Best Actress. But sadly, this is a comedy, and comedies never, ever, ever, ever, ever win Best Picture.

Michael Clayton

Rotten Tomatoes Says: 90% I know very little about this film. It obviously stars George Clooney, and the character he plays handles very important phone calls. Sounds good to me. Ooooo, hang on a second. Apparently it's a "Thriller." Well, the elderly people at the Academy do not enjoy thrills. Unless they're British thrills. They're all over those.

No Country For Old Men

Rotten Tomatoes Says: 95% Can't wait to see this one. By the way, this is going to win Best Picture. If memory serves, the Coen brothers have never made a movie that's won Best Picture. Oscar is big on giving veteran filmmakers their due.

There Will Be Blood

Rotten Tomatoes Says: 91% Daniel Day-Lewis being a badass. I feel like I've seen this before. Word on the street is that if he doesn't win Best Actor, Javier Bardem is gonna wreck some fools. So we have that to look forward to.


This concludes the most uninformative Oscar preview of all time. I've seen only two of the movies. One was a Brit Chick Flick and the other was a lovely teenage comedy. The kickass guy movies, naturally, I have not seen. I have some work to do. Oh, and by the way: In any other year, Oscar would award No Country For Old Men the Best Picture. But this is a new Oscar! You see, the Academy is very aware of its old-as-wrinkly-balls image, and they are eager to break into the 21st century(almost a decade late) This is a new Academy! A hip Academy! They enjoy strippers. They also enjoy screenwriting strippers! Thus, get ready to see Jason Reitman, Diablo Cody, and Ellen Page accepting the Oscar for Best Picture! It's Juno! That is a McDowell Guarantee.

Hi Leo! Also, Why Cloverfield Sucked

This post goes out to Leo, who is currently my only reader. Stay strong. I remember the good ol' days when we would win 10 straight games of beer pong, leaving our competition crying, shivering, and rocking back and forth in the corner. Yes indeed.

Now then, here's a Cloverfield spoiler in case you've been living under a rock and aren't yet aware that the thing destroying Manhattan is not of this earth.

Just kidding! That picture is actually a Rosiemonster, one of the most dangerous species of Sub-Saharan Africa. What I'm really trying to say is that Cloverfield was overflowing with hype. Let's give J.J. Abrams some credit here, though. He turned a 84 minute home video into the weekend's top movie simply by withholding some vital information. Like, for example, WHAT IN THE WORLD MADE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY'S HEAD EXPLODE? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT WAS IT??

Turns out it was an alien. Or something. We're never really told. And then everyone dies. This would normally be a shame, but the entire cast(besides the uggo controlling the camera) seemed to be pulled out of an A&F catalog and pretty much had the kind of acting chops you'd expect from that savvy ensemble. After everyone dies, the movie ends, and apparently the alien now rules New York City.

I just saved you 8 bucks.