Some women can make you a poet. You can hear music in a different way because of them, you would do absolutely anything for them, and you just might even lay down your life for them. And then we have Jessica and Ashlee Simpson. These two bimbos share an affinity for poser boyfriends and a sexually tense relationship with their father. In fact, in order to learn more about Jessica and Ashlee, I will be sitting down with their most current boyfriends: Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys and Pete Wentz of the band Fall Out Boy. Wait, what? Romo dumped Jessica? All because he blew that Giants game? Ok, then. I'll just be talking to Wentz. Now, I don't want to make a fool out of him. I'm a professional, and I'd like to conduct a calm, neutral, unbiased interview. That said, here's a leadoff picture of the guy.
L Tray: Hi there, Pete. Why don't you have a seat. Oh, and here's the picture I'll be using to introduce you. Is that okay with you?
Wentz: Oh, yeah! I love that picture! I only wish that I had used a little more eyeshadow for this one. There just isn't quite enough, you know?
L Tray: Uh..
Wentz: I also love the little "roar" next to me! I really do look like a tiger or something! I'm gonna getcha! Hahaha! My goodness, that is one special picture.
L Tray: So, how are things with Ashlee?
Wentz: Oh, thank you! Thank you for asking! Things are just spectacular, yes they are.
L Tray: So have you been able to find out why she has to have her name spelled like she does? She couldn't be called Ashley? Did you slap Joe in the face for that?
Wentz: She is just so unique. I think that's what Joe was going for.
L Tray: She's not unique. Unless you count the fact that she is the only lead singer for a rock band who lip syncs. That is amazingly unique. I mean, she doesn't even dance or anything! Why in the name of 99 cent nuggets does she lip sync? Is she that untalented?
Wentz: Yes.
L Tray: Oh. Well, thank you for your honest response.
Wentz leans in and starts to whisper.
Wentz: I'm only in this relationship for publicity. I really am not attracted to her at all.
L Tray: Well, that's understandable. She's just trying wayyyy too hard. It's so unattractive. And her face! I just want to punch it! When she does that little pucker...
Wentz: No, you don't understand. You read that Blender article on me, right?
L Tray: Ohhhh...I see what you're saying.
Wentz is referring to the article in which he admitted to being bisexual, kissing all up on some dudes, and in general being sexually attracted to men.
L Tray: You're gay? Really? That's so hard to believe!
Wentz: I know, I know.
L Tray: Oh, and by the way..I loved how you were just criticizing Ashlee's talentless musicianship when you're the bass player for a pop punk band. Wow, that sure is difficult.
Wentz: What? You're saying it's easy doing what I do?
L Tray: Brilliant deduction, Inspector.
Wentz: Bitch, you think this is easy? I don't see you doing it!
L Tray: You're right. I know enough not to develop an eating disorder, wear more makeup than a 45 year old divorcee, and embarrass myself on stage night after night. Your band is awful.
Wentz: Bitch! Drop your pants! Let's do this! Right now!
L Tray: That...is not a typical response.
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