Bands That Suck (as of January 2008)

I love arguing about music. There is no possible way anyone's opinion matters more than any other person's. We interpret what we hear in a unique way. A certain song's lyrics might be corny to me and meaningful to you. A guitar solo might be too obnoxious to some and wordless poetry to others. Nobody's opinion regarding anything about music is ever correct.

Except mine! Here is a superb and absolutely accurate list of some bands that currently suck.

The No-Talent Wastes of Time: Nickelback

Leading off with these guys on a Bands That Suck list is a no-brainer. They are what I like to call a Four-Way Suckfest. What this means is that their guitarist lacks the chops for a kickass solo, their bassist does not drop any sweet lines, their drummer can't stand out more than simply keeping the beat, and their lead singer(Chad Kroeger, huge douche) writes lyrics with all the beauty and elegance that I have when I'm dropping a deuce. 2 of the following song titles are made up, and the rest are actual Nickelback songs. See if you can spot the two pretenders.

If Everyone Cared
Savin' Me
Follow You Home
Your Penis Tastes Outstanding
Feelin' Way Too Damn Good
Why Do We Suck?
Figured You Out

The Band Crippled by Too Much Falsetto and a Harmless Sound: Coldplay


I actually listen to these guys. They have the look and they put on a solid, energetic live show. That being said, whenever I hear their music, I have to check to make sure I'm not at my dentist's office. This is rock music? Where are the guitars? Do they exist, or is their guitarist unplugged while he pretends to play? And Chris Martin sings with all the testicular fortitude you'd expect from someone who allowed his daughter to be named Apple. When I was driving the other day, I listened to 5 straight tracks from X&Y in order to determine whether Martin could go 30 straight seconds without using that horrendous falsetto. Sadly, results were inconclusive because I drove my car into a telephone pole midway through "Fix You." Oh, and speaking of horrendous falsettos...

Band That Rocked, Currently Sucks: Incubus

This just makes me sad. If you've never heard either S.C.I.E.N.C.E. or Make Yourself, drop me a line and I'll get them for you. Those are two fantastic records. And then, inexplicably, they tried to evolve. Yes, ladies, Brandon Boyd got hotter in the process. Surprisingly, I care very little about this fact. I'd rather hear good music. I don't want to hear songs like "Southern Girl" and "Love Hurts." I don't want to hear yet another man waste his voice by firing out some nice, mellow falsetto. I want to ROCK! Why can't anyone let me rock anymore? Are there no bands out there with some talent and genuine love for their craft?

The Worst Bands on the Planet: Fall Out Boy, Linkin Park, A Simple Plan, Good Charlotte, My Chemical Romance

I don't want to waste my time posting pictures of all these posers, so here are the 5 members of My Chemical Romance with their entry for Ugliest Band.

Now I know what a piano would look like if it were trying too hard to be emo.

I can't bring myself to write anything more about these 5 bands. They're all so bad, they really defy description. They craft an image for themselves in order to hit a certain demographic (Early teenage girls) and sacrifice any shred of musicianship they may have had. What happened to the good ol' days, when music was improvised? Did they really just pass me by?

Wow, I feel old.