The Real Oscar Preview

I'd like to apologize for my horrendous Oscar preview. I need to atone for my sins, and as a way of doing so, I am giving you all a preview by someone who really knows his nominees: a young man named Kyle. Let me tell you something about his dedication. With the exception of two movies, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and La Vie en Rose, the dude saw every single film that is nominated in the 4 actor categories, Best Picture, and Best Director. By my count, that is 17 movies. The man knows his flicks. Read on.

Welcome to Kyle's preview of the only categories that matter in the 80th Annual Academy Awards. Come and join me as I give you my own winners, Kyle’s “second place” award, as well as an honorable mention to those who should have been nominated in his or her respective category. I am right and if you see different results on February 24, just remember that they are wrong, and I am the man. And I am sorry to Marion Cotillard (Best Actress), and Julian Schnabel (Best Director), because their movies aren’t worth watching and therefore, they didn’t win.

Best Picture
Winner: No Country for Old Men


Kyle’s Second: Atonement
Honorable Mention: Into the Wild

Although Atonement is my favorite film overall, you can’t get past the power that No Country for Old Men has. The script is probably about three pages long and yet it tells maybe the best story of the year. It’s a terrific film, but the other four nominees (Atonement, Juno, There Will Be Blood, Michael Clayton) are worthy of the most anticipated award of the night as well.

Best Actor
Winner: Daniel Day-Lewis (There Will Be Blood)


Kyle’s Second: Viggo Mortensen (Eastern Promises)
Honorable Mention: Emile Hirsch (Into the Wild)

Daniel Day-Lewis is a man, and it’s about time that my generation notices him for being a man. He is going to take home his second Oscar and if he doesn’t, there is something seriously wrong with this world. That is all.

Best Actress
Winner: Cate Blanchett (Elizabeth: The Golden Age)


Kyle’s Second: Julie Christie (Away From Her)
Honorable Mention: Helena Bonham Carter: (Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street)

That’s right! The Oscar for Best actress, for the second year in a row, is going to the Queen of England! I want the Academy Awards to get out of the habit of automatically rewarding actors in biographical roles, but it’s not going to happen this year. Blanchett, surrounded by a cast full of intimidating male figures, is able to show the most power and dominance out of all of them.

Best Supporting Actor
Winner: Javier Bardem (No Country for Old Men)


Kyle’s Second: Tom Wilkinson (Michael Clayton)
Honorable Mention: Forest Whitaker (The Great Debaters)

Javier Bardem flips a coin… you get it right, you live… you get it wrong, you don’t live. “And the Oscar goes to… Javier Bardem!” An amazing role played by an amazing actor. Hal Holbrook, who is also nominated for this category, represents the whole supporting cast of Into the Wild. At least four or five different actors and actresses could have been nominated for their roles in the film.

Best Supporting Actress
Winner: Amy Ryan (Gone Baby Gone)


Kyle’s Second: Ruby Dee (American Gangster)
Honorable Mention: Alberta Watson (Away From Her)

I refuse to promote any more Oscar winning actresses who looked like a man, acted like a man, or played a man in their film. So, I’m sorry, but Cate Blanchett is not going to be a double Oscar winner this year for her Bob Dylan lookalike role in I’m Not There. Amy Ryan plays a slutty, drugged-out single mom, and for some reason you still want her to get her abducted child back. Oscar Gold.

Best Director
Winner: Joel Coen, Ethan Coen (No Country for Old Men)


Kyle’s Second: Paul Thomas Anderson (There Will Be Blood)
Honorable Mention: Joe Wright (Atonement)

The Coen Brothers have written, produced, and directed many great films over the years (Raising Arizona, Fargo, The Big Lebowski, O Brother Where Art Thou), but they have never won the Academy Award for best Director. This is their year.