During and after World War II, our grandparents were churning out record numbers of straight American babies. Overseas, however, the children being born were instantly subjected to countless moustaches, overly tight pants, and an overabundance of cigarettes. The result, of course, is that any child born away from America before 1950 had a 95% chance of being a humongous, flaming homo.
But that's okay! For you see, even though 19 of 20 were gay, many of these people still had the opportunity to live more successful lives and kick more ass than most of us will ever manage to do. Here are 4 men that led or are leading fantastic lives because of/despite the fact that they dive headfirst into sausage links more enthusiastically than refugees.
Freddie Mercury
Freddie is best known as the frontman for the band Queen, and is widely regarded as having one of the best live voices in rock music history. Songs of note include "Killer Queen," "Bohemian Rhapsody," "Fat-Bottomed Girls," "We Will Rock You," and "We Are the Champions."
Are We Sure He Was Gay?
Yikes.
His screaming vocals were often matched with even-louder attire. But we still need more evidence. Let's see...what does Wikipedia have to say? "By 1980, Mercury began to frequent gay bathhouses and clubs, where he met many short-term partners." See, that could really mean anything. Business partners? Raquetball teammates? It doesn't really say.
Hold on, there's more. "Inspired by Glenn Hughes of the Village People, Mercury also began to grow a moustache around this time."
We have a homo!
Why He Kicked Ass:
This is an easy one. Just go to YouTube and type "Queen live" in the search box. Note his stage presence, his love of the crowd, and that voice. Wow, that voice. I might go gay if I knew it'd give me a set of pipes like that.
Elton John
Sir Elton John is a pianist that has won Grammys and an Oscar in recognition of his musical success. Like Mercury, he has a strong, recognizeable voice. Also like Mercury, um...
Wooooooooo!!!!!
Are We Sure He's Gay?
Yes. Yes we are.
Why He Kicks Ass:
Are you serious? Elton John is a master of composing situations that are familiar to all of us, situations that really hit us in the depths of our souls. I'm a Rocket Man! I'm alone in outer space and I'm horribly lonesome! Who doesn't identify with that? He composed music for The Lion King! Come on! Remember when, like Mufasa, your dad fell off a cliff with the assistance of his evil brother? When "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" came on, what male in here honestly suppressed the urge to pounce like Simba on the nearest helpless female? If you suppressed that urge, good sir, you just might be as gay as...
Ian McKellen
Sir Ian is one fantastic actor. We here in the states know him for playing Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings trilogy and Magneto in the X-Men series. However, the stage in Britain has long been a spot where he can consistently be found, and he thoroughly scared the American out of me in Apt Pupil.
Are We Sure He's Gay?
Yes. Although, he's somewhat more discreet than the previous two rock stars about his lifestyle. Instead of frequenting bathhouses and wearing light blue feather boas, McKellen was a founding member of Stonewall in 1988, a prominent LGBT rights organization.
Why He Kicks Ass:
If there is one person on this earth whom you should never cross, it is Sir Ian McKellan. I have personally seen this seemingly frail man lift vehicles, snap bridges, and propel bullets with his brain. You don't mess with Sir Ian.
For crossing Ian, the cameraman's new vocation quickly became "hand puppet"
As if that weren't enough, McKellen also has some formal wizarding background, not unlike our final entrant into this exclusive list:
Albus Dumbledore
Are We Sure He Was Gay?
Well, author and probable female J.K. Rowling proclaimed after Dumbledore's death that he was gay in life. Quite the loving obituary...those Brits sure know how to send someone off. I, for one, am not buying this one. It's just a bookselling ploy, people! We all know that the gay community boycotts reading of all kinds unless the author openly supports their cause. Apparently Rowling needed a few more books to sell to finalize the horrendous dental bills she most likely incurs.
Never mind. She obviously needed the extra cash to pay for those sweater melons. Nevertheless, I can't believe she would slander the former Hogwarts headmaster after his death, effectively giving him no chance to defend himself! Can you imagine?
Reporter: L Tray died this evening, because he was old balls. He will be missed. Also, he was gay.
L Tray's ghost: What? Dammit! No I wasn't! Shit! Oh, if only I could come back to life to refute this horribly untrue claim!
If Dumbledore were actually gay, he would have leaned toward those tendencies in life. Sure, he never got with the ladies, but he also never kissed on any dudes. This means that we have to assume he was straight, for two reasons.
1. There are more straight people than there are gay people.
2. J.K. Rowling is a woman. Thus, she is not to be trusted.
Why He Kicked Ass:
Because he was straight.
The verdict? If you are an elderly, non-fictional, male, foreign celebrity, you are most certainly gay. Dumbledore almost threw the whole correlation upside down, but it turns out he's not a real person. So to any famous, toothless Brits reading this, it's now a fact: You are gay.
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