Last winter the surrounding area that is L Tray's area of influence experienced 8 days in which snowfall was recorded. This time around, by my count, we're about to pass up the 35th day. Global warming? Shut up. And don't give me any safety-scissors logic that an abundance of snow proves global warming. That doesn't make sense. You're a hippie.
If I'm a bit cranky, it's probably because I've seen the sun in the last few months about as much as I've seen my own gooch. I'm looking out the window right now at a brutally depressing gray sky that is currently giving us all the middle finger once again in the form of 3 to 5 additional inches. 35 days of snow? Are we in Manitoba? February, in particular, is a huge bitch. Naturally, the folks in Chicagoland are staying indoors more in this abomination of winter months, reading books, drinking cocoa, gaining ludicrous amounts of weight, and watching movies.
It's only fitting that the worst of months would bring out the worst in film. After all, science has proven that nothing in February is ever a good time. Need proof? Let's take a look at these huge box office winners so far this month.
2/1-2/3: Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert $31.1M
RT Score: 85%
RT Synopsis: None
RT Notable Critic Quote: "Seems Disney has discovered yet another way to print money." -Peter Debruge, VARIETY
As far as critics are concerned, this is by far the best #1 movie of February. But you can color me slightly confused. I'm not too hip when it comes to the Disney Channel, but maybe my numerous 14 year old female readers can help me out with my two questions. 1. Are Miley and Hannah the same person? 2. How in the name of underage potential did this movie make over 30 million dollars in one weekend?
2/8-2/10 Fool's Gold $21.6M
RT Score: 10%
RT Synopsis: "Full of humorless gags, a predictable storyline, and flat performances."
RT Notable Critic Quote: "At least costume designer Ngila Dickson didn't have to work too hard on McConaughey's wardrobe." -Lou Lumenick, NY POST
They really should have stopped at How To Lose A Guy With 10 Gays. Quit while you're ahead, kids. Learn from the mistakes of the Goldie Hawn spawn and Shiny McRippedabs. My favorite part of the trailer(since I'll never see the movie) is when Sweaty McNoshirt is apparently flying an airplane because of Playstation. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Topical technological humor! Gimme 8 tickets! They're all for me!
2/15-2/17 Jumper $32.1M
RT Score: 15%
RT Synopsis: "An erratic action pic with little coherence and lackluster special effects."
RT Notable Critic Quote: "So freakin' awful." -Richard Corliss, TIME
I had no interest in seeing this film even before I realized Hayden Christensen was the lead role. The guy that tag teamed the Star Wars saga into a coma alongside George Lucas's screenwriting is now a superhero? And nobody's heard of the superhero before? Wow. Train wreck. And it made 32 million. I'm speechless.
2/22-2/24 Vantage Point $24M
RT Score: 35%
RT Synopsis: "Premise is undermined by fractured storyline and wooden performances."
RT Notable Critic Quote: "Viscerally effective but lobotomized." -James Berardinelli, REELVIEWS
For all you idiots out there(and you're certainly out there, spending your cash on atrocious movies), What James is saying is that this movie doesn't make you think. And in a whodunit such as Vantage Point, thinking would probably be a good thing. But because you're all idiots, my prediction is that the masses absolutely loved this movie. It stars a sexypants TV surgeon(Matthew Fox), last year's Oscar winner for best actor(Forest Whitaker), the dad in Parent Trap(Dennis Quaid), and that guy from Dave(Sigourney Weaver). Quite the cast! And we all know the successful movie formula:
Names We Recognize + Too Much Hype = At least 20 million opening weekend dollars!
Man, I hate February.
If I'm a bit cranky, it's probably because I've seen the sun in the last few months about as much as I've seen my own gooch. I'm looking out the window right now at a brutally depressing gray sky that is currently giving us all the middle finger once again in the form of 3 to 5 additional inches. 35 days of snow? Are we in Manitoba? February, in particular, is a huge bitch. Naturally, the folks in Chicagoland are staying indoors more in this abomination of winter months, reading books, drinking cocoa, gaining ludicrous amounts of weight, and watching movies.
It's only fitting that the worst of months would bring out the worst in film. After all, science has proven that nothing in February is ever a good time. Need proof? Let's take a look at these huge box office winners so far this month.
2/1-2/3: Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert $31.1M
RT Score: 85%
RT Synopsis: None
RT Notable Critic Quote: "Seems Disney has discovered yet another way to print money." -Peter Debruge, VARIETY
As far as critics are concerned, this is by far the best #1 movie of February. But you can color me slightly confused. I'm not too hip when it comes to the Disney Channel, but maybe my numerous 14 year old female readers can help me out with my two questions. 1. Are Miley and Hannah the same person? 2. How in the name of underage potential did this movie make over 30 million dollars in one weekend?
2/8-2/10 Fool's Gold $21.6M
RT Score: 10%
RT Synopsis: "Full of humorless gags, a predictable storyline, and flat performances."
RT Notable Critic Quote: "At least costume designer Ngila Dickson didn't have to work too hard on McConaughey's wardrobe." -Lou Lumenick, NY POST
They really should have stopped at How To Lose A Guy With 10 Gays. Quit while you're ahead, kids. Learn from the mistakes of the Goldie Hawn spawn and Shiny McRippedabs. My favorite part of the trailer(since I'll never see the movie) is when Sweaty McNoshirt is apparently flying an airplane because of Playstation. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Topical technological humor! Gimme 8 tickets! They're all for me!
2/15-2/17 Jumper $32.1M
RT Score: 15%
RT Synopsis: "An erratic action pic with little coherence and lackluster special effects."
RT Notable Critic Quote: "So freakin' awful." -Richard Corliss, TIME
I had no interest in seeing this film even before I realized Hayden Christensen was the lead role. The guy that tag teamed the Star Wars saga into a coma alongside George Lucas's screenwriting is now a superhero? And nobody's heard of the superhero before? Wow. Train wreck. And it made 32 million. I'm speechless.
2/22-2/24 Vantage Point $24M
RT Score: 35%
RT Synopsis: "Premise is undermined by fractured storyline and wooden performances."
RT Notable Critic Quote: "Viscerally effective but lobotomized." -James Berardinelli, REELVIEWS
For all you idiots out there(and you're certainly out there, spending your cash on atrocious movies), What James is saying is that this movie doesn't make you think. And in a whodunit such as Vantage Point, thinking would probably be a good thing. But because you're all idiots, my prediction is that the masses absolutely loved this movie. It stars a sexypants TV surgeon(Matthew Fox), last year's Oscar winner for best actor(Forest Whitaker), the dad in Parent Trap(Dennis Quaid), and that guy from Dave(Sigourney Weaver). Quite the cast! And we all know the successful movie formula:
Names We Recognize + Too Much Hype = At least 20 million opening weekend dollars!
Man, I hate February.
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