In Defense of the Steroid Era

This is Roger Clemens. Note his look of sheer intensity.This expression shapes his face after a clutch strikeout to end the 6th, sure. But it is also the same face he has when he's trying to bean his kid during a Father-Son baseball game, when he's taking an aggressive, Hall of Fame shit, when he's throwing his wife under the bus, and when he faces idiot Congressmen in one of the most pointless wastes of time in recent memory.

What did I learn from that worthless day? That P.T. Barnum would have recorded the proceedings and archived them in his spank bank, and that steroids aren't all that bad.

I don't mean to say that the dog and pony show that was the McNamee/Clemens proceedings caused me to conclude that steroids are fine by me. I guess I realized it long before, but only now am I able to articulate my thoughts. Allow me to explain.

First of all, Congress has no business trying to regulate or enforce as far as Major League Baseball is concerned. It's not because all the suits need to focus on other national concerns. I've been hearing an abundance of this crapola from a bunch of different people, both credible and insane. I don't care about that. Congress can sit on its collective thumbs all day for all I care. They probably already do. I just remember thinking the same thing over and over as the day went on: "Wow. These guys know nothing about baseball." Names were misprounounced. Stats were botched. Some colossal douche couldn't even pronounce Rafael Palmeiro, one of the largest names of the Steroid Era. Are you kidding me? You can't take a couple hours to prepare for national television? Do all Congressmen actually enjoy the combination of cocaine and strippers' asses? I thought it was just a stereotype! When ignorant people are allowed to enforce, what do you get? Local police. Or chaos. Congress does not belong in this fight.

The only way the federal government would need to be involved in steroid abuse is when it comes to the education of kids. They need to know that this stuff is not okay to put into a still-developing body. Without education, kids are idiots. Let's not forget this. They see Clemens and Bonds, these titans among giants, amassing colossal stats. Time to emulate! In this upside-down world we live in, an asshole redneck like Clemens and a conceited recluse like Bonds are role models. They don't deserve it.

Roger Clemens is a flame-throwing psychopath, the greatest pitcher of our time, and the second greatest pitcher ever according to baseball-reference.com. He absoultely belongs in the Hall of Fame. Without a doubt. So does Barry Bonds, and so do Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa(to a lesser extent).

I'm an American. I want 85 home runs in a season. I want 375 strikeouts. Here are the qualifications: For a home run, a regulation baseball has to be obliterated by a regulation baseball bat over an outfield wall, in fair territory. If the person swinging the bat is using performance enhancers, GOOD! That ensures a few extra feet on the home run distance! I am so sick of pretending I care about steroids in baseball. These guys know what they're doing. It's a calculated risk. The pros of taking steroids are: fame, adulation, an enduring legacy, and gobs of money. The cons of taking steroids are: possible health issues or disciplinary action. Am I missing something? This is too obvious. For tens of millions of extra dollars, I'd use steroids for a few years. Besides the Mormons, who wouldn't?

If you're shocked and appalled right now, you'd better check it at the door. Remember 1998, you big idiots? The year in which steroids saved baseball? To be more specific, this was the year that McGwire and Sosa duked it out in an epic home run race. It brought back casual fans and the people that were still pissy about the strike in 1994. Remember what the attitude was like in those days? We ate it up. Bomb after bomb, and we wanted more. You're all hypocrites.

Here's my new rule: If you're old enough to throw a curveball, you're old enough to use steroids. Right around age 16 or 17, go for it! Wanna make millions, kids? Shoot yourself up with this! Make sure you always look up to athletes like Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds. Notice the way Clemens destroys his wife's anonymity and pride by saying she was injected with human growth hormone! Notice Barry's neglect of his adoring fans! Always be an asshole! It will make you rich! And above all else, never try to be like your parents or your teachers. They don't make enough money.