Wrigley Field: Professional Sports' Senile Grandfather

Yesterday I wrote that it's a travesty that Sam Zell is looking to sell naming rights of Wrigley Field. While I still wholeheartedly believe that Zell is a moron, and while I also believe that my buddy Dan's idea to take a dump on his windshield is fantastic, some clarification is in order.

The Cubs need a new field. It's true. How am I so sure? I made a list of pros and cons; and as Tina Fey will tell you, a solid pro/con list yields worlds of information.

Pros of Wrigley Field:
1. Tradition
2. Ivy

3. Scoreboard

Cons of Wrigley Field:
1a. The aforementioned 'tradition' has given us a century of losing teams
1b. Curses and crybaby players
2a. The always-present smell of urine, perhaps due to..
2b. The pig trough urinals
3. Sitting and watching a game is uncomfortable, which is far from ideal
4. Old Style
5. Below-average food
6. Bar scene that's only enjoyable if you're wearing your frat jacket
7. Where's the jumbotron?
8. Really, the only stats you're giving me are avg, hr, and rbi? Is this 1940? Are the Germans in Poland?
9. Ok, so where do I park?
10. Seriously...WHERE THE HELL DO I PARK??
11. 7th Inning Stretch Celebrity Singers

Wrigley Stadium. What an idiot. As you can see, the cons far outweigh the pros here. The Cubs need a new place to play. Wrigley would still stand, of course. It's a historical landmark at this point. And by the way, it's officially time to get a new facility when the one you're using has already been deemed a historical landmark. Good lord.

Look, if this were the 1960s and 70s and every new stadium was a domed eyesore with astroturf inside, I'd be singing a different tune. But we are in a glorious era of stadium design. Every new construction tries to outdo the previous best. New parks are a beautiful place to watch a game, there's ample parking(hellooooo, tailgating!), the food is delicious, and the latest technology is implemented in the form of kickass jumbotrons that hold the attention spans of even the most rabid of baseball destesters. Plus, if your team blows(Washington in 2008, Milwaukee in 2001, the Cubs in 20??) a new stadium brainwashes the fans, son! It's an instant seat-seller!

As I mentioned above, there's way too much terrible history to keep playing in Wrigley Field. If you combine the old-balls architecture, the awful smell, and the horrendous events that have kept the Cubs from hoisting a World Series trophy for a whole...damn...century...well, why in the world are we still playing there? It's ugly and it's a bitch! Time to throw her to the curb!

I can hear all you naysayers now. "Blasphemy! How dare you, L Tray? What about the scoreboard? For God's sakes, what about the IVY???? WAAAAAAA!!!"

Shut up. I've talked to so many people that want to keep Wrigley open for those two reasons alone. Scoreboard and ivy. Are you kidding me? I'm fairly certain it wouldn't be rocket science to have another ivy-covered wall and a similar(aka improved) scoreboard in a new stadium. What's that? It won't be the same? That's right. As you take in the sights, your other senses won't be assaulted by the delicacies of a 96-year-old stadium.

So where do we build the new stadium? I don't care. The suburbs. The city. On Lake Michigan(that'd be sweet). Anywhere but where it is now. To clarify, I stand by what I wrote yesterday. If the Cubs have to play in Wrigley, it needs to be named Wrigley. It's tradition. It's what's kept the Cubs as sports' punch line for so long. But if a new stadium is built, I am perfectly fine with the naming rights being sold to the highest bidder. Name it Bartman Field, if possible. That'd be a nice middle finger extended to tradition.

Thorough Thursday Thoughts

It's 11 am and I have yet to eat, so if I'm a bit cranky, you can go ahead and sit on your hot mom's face.

1. A few people have notified me that the WNBA had a team in Cleveland called the Rockers because the city is home to the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. Thank you. Now, here are my issues:
1a. You care too much about the WNBA. It is not fun to watch. If this is coming off as sexist, I don't know what to tell you. I'd rather watch women play volleyball, tennis, golf, softball, pool, and poker before I see them play basketball. They suck. 4 out of 5 feminists agree with the L Tray.
1b. The Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame belongs in Cleveland about as much as the True To Your Wife Hall of Fame belongs in Salt Lake City. Off the top of my head, here are some cities that would be better suited: Austin, Denver, Seattle, Chicago. Boom. I didn't even think. Cleveland sucks. But apparently it's home to the U.S.'s 2nd biggest fashion week behind NYC! So at least there's that!

2. Halo 3 is a great game. Nothing like a couple well placed headshots and plasma grenades to get you through the day. So, on to my story. One of my brother's friends(we'll call him "Mike") was doing his very best the other day during an intense session. He was really trying. You could see the effort, even if you couldn't see the results. We were all very proud. Then 'Maddness72' showed up.

It was immediately obvious that Maddness was either a female or 5 years old. After some subtle questioning, she was confirmed to be a lady. She kept saying things like "Wait, what's this game called?" and "If I keep playing this, you promise to buy me a pair of shoes?" She obviously had no clue what was going on. And then she killed 'Mike' 3 times. What a disaster. Afterwards, in tears, he promised nothing like that would ever happen again. Oh, but it will indeed happen again, for 'Mike' is without question the worst Halo gamer of all time.

3. Sam Zell, the horribly evil owner of the Tribune Company, is looking to sell the naming rights of Wrigley Field to the highest bidder. That's right. We could soon be watching a Cubs game at Eagleman Insurance Field. If, like me, you think this is a travesty, go to http://www.suntimes.com/sports/815403,zell022708.article and voice your thoughts. Short of throwing poop at Zell, this is the best thing you can do. Go! Do it now!

February: The Calendar's Poop Stain

Last winter the surrounding area that is L Tray's area of influence experienced 8 days in which snowfall was recorded. This time around, by my count, we're about to pass up the 35th day. Global warming? Shut up. And don't give me any safety-scissors logic that an abundance of snow proves global warming. That doesn't make sense. You're a hippie.

If I'm a bit cranky, it's probably because I've seen the sun in the last few months about as much as I've seen my own gooch. I'm looking out the window right now at a brutally depressing gray sky that is currently giving us all the middle finger once again in the form of 3 to 5 additional inches. 35 days of snow? Are we in Manitoba? February, in particular, is a huge bitch. Naturally, the folks in Chicagoland are staying indoors more in this abomination of winter months, reading books, drinking cocoa, gaining ludicrous amounts of weight, and watching movies.

It's only fitting that the worst of months would bring out the worst in film. After all, science has proven that nothing in February is ever a good time. Need proof? Let's take a look at these huge box office winners so far this month.


2/1-2/3: Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert $31.1M
RT Score: 85%
RT Synopsis: None
RT Notable Critic Quote: "Seems Disney has discovered yet another way to print money." -Peter Debruge, VARIETY

As far as critics are concerned, this is by far the best #1 movie of February. But you can color me slightly confused. I'm not too hip when it comes to the Disney Channel, but maybe my numerous 14 year old female readers can help me out with my two questions. 1. Are Miley and Hannah the same person? 2. How in the name of underage potential did this movie make over 30 million dollars in one weekend?


2/8-2/10 Fool's Gold $21.6M
RT Score: 10%
RT Synopsis: "Full of humorless gags, a predictable storyline, and flat performances."
RT Notable Critic Quote: "At least costume designer Ngila Dickson didn't have to work too hard on McConaughey's wardrobe." -Lou Lumenick, NY POST

They really should have stopped at How To Lose A Guy With 10 Gays. Quit while you're ahead, kids. Learn from the mistakes of the Goldie Hawn spawn and Shiny McRippedabs. My favorite part of the trailer(since I'll never see the movie) is when Sweaty McNoshirt is apparently flying an airplane because of Playstation. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Topical technological humor! Gimme 8 tickets! They're all for me!

2/15-2/17 Jumper $32.1M
RT Score: 15%
RT Synopsis: "An erratic action pic with little coherence and lackluster special effects."
RT Notable Critic Quote: "So freakin' awful." -Richard Corliss, TIME

I had no interest in seeing this film even before I realized Hayden Christensen was the lead role. The guy that tag teamed the Star Wars saga into a coma alongside George Lucas's screenwriting is now a superhero? And nobody's heard of the superhero before? Wow. Train wreck. And it made 32 million. I'm speechless.


2/22-2/24 Vantage Point $24M
RT Score: 35%
RT Synopsis: "Premise is undermined by fractured storyline and wooden performances."
RT Notable Critic Quote: "Viscerally effective but lobotomized." -James Berardinelli, REELVIEWS

For all you idiots out there(and you're certainly out there, spending your cash on atrocious movies), What James is saying is that this movie doesn't make you think. And in a whodunit such as Vantage Point, thinking would probably be a good thing. But because you're all idiots, my prediction is that the masses absolutely loved this movie. It stars a sexypants TV surgeon(Matthew Fox), last year's Oscar winner for best actor(Forest Whitaker), the dad in Parent Trap(Dennis Quaid), and that guy from Dave(Sigourney Weaver). Quite the cast! And we all know the successful movie formula:

Names We Recognize + Too Much Hype = At least 20 million opening weekend dollars!

Man, I hate February.

The 11 Worst Logos in Professional Sports

Some team logos stand the test of time, surviving wars, city relocation, and decades of social change. Take, for example, the NHL's original six. We have the Boston Bruins, Chicago Blackhawks, Detroit Red Wings, Toronto Maple Leafs, New York Rangers, and the Montreal Canadiens. Six legendary logos. I firmly believe that if a team's logo is outstanding, the organization has a much better chance to last for decades. Think it through, people. A team moves in with an excellent logo. A casual sports fan gets a hat or a jersey as a birthday present. He starts wearing the merchandise. He then goes to games. He brings others to games. And on and on we go. So, basically, if your logo is just plain awful, there's no chance. Take these 11 examples from past and present teams.

Cincinnati Redlegs (MLB, 1954-1959)

This logo answers the age-old question: Can a baseball really be a pedaphile? One look into this drunken uncle's eyes shows you his true intentions. Yes, he's married. Sure, he's a great athlete. It's all a cover-up. Now take your pants off or he'll tell Santa you've been naughty.

Fort Wayne Pistons (NBA, 1941-1957)

I am thoroughly depressed by this one. What is going on here? Is this poor genetic experiment made of oil cans? Also, he appears to have human hands and human feet; it's a tantalizing and tortuous taunt for the poor tinman. Nice head, too. Love the smile. Someone obviously drew it on, because this monstrosity is dying inside.

Milwaukee Braves (MLB, 1953-1966)

Proudly celebrating 14 years of bitter racism!!

Chicago Packers (NBA, 1961-1962)

Mooooo!!!!!

Philadelphia Athletics (MLB, 1901-1954)

Ladies and gentlemen, meet our new left fielder! His name is Jumbo, and he'll work for peanuts! Is this thing on?

Pittsburgh Pirates (1925-1930)

Captain Cornelius led his band of ruffians despite being horribly inbred. This logo emerged at roughly the same time as the Original Six. There really is something to my logo theory.

Philadelphia Quakers (NHL, 1930-1931)

Shit! Run! The Quakers are coming! Nothing puts fear into the hearts of opponents like some warm oatmeal and warmer religious values. Pennsylvania sure can pick 'em.

Cleveland Rockers (WNBA, 1997-2003)

When I want to hear a sweet guitar solo, I always travel to America's sweaty armpit. Never trust Drew Carey.

Utah Starzz (WNBA, 1997-2002)

It's time for me to let you in on a little pet peeve of mine. I'll put it in the form of a poem. When a plural word loses an S and gains a Z, I Want to go on a killing spree! Better yet, let's add two Z's! We'll sell twice as many tickets! Idiots.

St. Louis Browns (MLB, 1902-1953)

All black people are aliens. You didn't hear that?

Connecticut Sun (WNBA, 2003-????)

Wooo!!! Spring break in Connecticut! Yeah, when I think sun, I think Hartford. Gimme a break. This is the only team still in existence. It won't be for long.

In Defense of the Steroid Era

This is Roger Clemens. Note his look of sheer intensity.This expression shapes his face after a clutch strikeout to end the 6th, sure. But it is also the same face he has when he's trying to bean his kid during a Father-Son baseball game, when he's taking an aggressive, Hall of Fame shit, when he's throwing his wife under the bus, and when he faces idiot Congressmen in one of the most pointless wastes of time in recent memory.

What did I learn from that worthless day? That P.T. Barnum would have recorded the proceedings and archived them in his spank bank, and that steroids aren't all that bad.

I don't mean to say that the dog and pony show that was the McNamee/Clemens proceedings caused me to conclude that steroids are fine by me. I guess I realized it long before, but only now am I able to articulate my thoughts. Allow me to explain.

First of all, Congress has no business trying to regulate or enforce as far as Major League Baseball is concerned. It's not because all the suits need to focus on other national concerns. I've been hearing an abundance of this crapola from a bunch of different people, both credible and insane. I don't care about that. Congress can sit on its collective thumbs all day for all I care. They probably already do. I just remember thinking the same thing over and over as the day went on: "Wow. These guys know nothing about baseball." Names were misprounounced. Stats were botched. Some colossal douche couldn't even pronounce Rafael Palmeiro, one of the largest names of the Steroid Era. Are you kidding me? You can't take a couple hours to prepare for national television? Do all Congressmen actually enjoy the combination of cocaine and strippers' asses? I thought it was just a stereotype! When ignorant people are allowed to enforce, what do you get? Local police. Or chaos. Congress does not belong in this fight.

The only way the federal government would need to be involved in steroid abuse is when it comes to the education of kids. They need to know that this stuff is not okay to put into a still-developing body. Without education, kids are idiots. Let's not forget this. They see Clemens and Bonds, these titans among giants, amassing colossal stats. Time to emulate! In this upside-down world we live in, an asshole redneck like Clemens and a conceited recluse like Bonds are role models. They don't deserve it.

Roger Clemens is a flame-throwing psychopath, the greatest pitcher of our time, and the second greatest pitcher ever according to baseball-reference.com. He absoultely belongs in the Hall of Fame. Without a doubt. So does Barry Bonds, and so do Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa(to a lesser extent).

I'm an American. I want 85 home runs in a season. I want 375 strikeouts. Here are the qualifications: For a home run, a regulation baseball has to be obliterated by a regulation baseball bat over an outfield wall, in fair territory. If the person swinging the bat is using performance enhancers, GOOD! That ensures a few extra feet on the home run distance! I am so sick of pretending I care about steroids in baseball. These guys know what they're doing. It's a calculated risk. The pros of taking steroids are: fame, adulation, an enduring legacy, and gobs of money. The cons of taking steroids are: possible health issues or disciplinary action. Am I missing something? This is too obvious. For tens of millions of extra dollars, I'd use steroids for a few years. Besides the Mormons, who wouldn't?

If you're shocked and appalled right now, you'd better check it at the door. Remember 1998, you big idiots? The year in which steroids saved baseball? To be more specific, this was the year that McGwire and Sosa duked it out in an epic home run race. It brought back casual fans and the people that were still pissy about the strike in 1994. Remember what the attitude was like in those days? We ate it up. Bomb after bomb, and we wanted more. You're all hypocrites.

Here's my new rule: If you're old enough to throw a curveball, you're old enough to use steroids. Right around age 16 or 17, go for it! Wanna make millions, kids? Shoot yourself up with this! Make sure you always look up to athletes like Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds. Notice the way Clemens destroys his wife's anonymity and pride by saying she was injected with human growth hormone! Notice Barry's neglect of his adoring fans! Always be an asshole! It will make you rich! And above all else, never try to be like your parents or your teachers. They don't make enough money.

Gayness In Elderly Foreign Celebrities: A Thought-Provoking Study

During and after World War II, our grandparents were churning out record numbers of straight American babies. Overseas, however, the children being born were instantly subjected to countless moustaches, overly tight pants, and an overabundance of cigarettes. The result, of course, is that any child born away from America before 1950 had a 95% chance of being a humongous, flaming homo.

But that's okay! For you see, even though 19 of 20 were gay, many of these people still had the opportunity to live more successful lives and kick more ass than most of us will ever manage to do. Here are 4 men that led or are leading fantastic lives because of/despite the fact that they dive headfirst into sausage links more enthusiastically than refugees.

Freddie Mercury

Freddie is best known as the frontman for the band Queen, and is widely regarded as having one of the best live voices in rock music history. Songs of note include "Killer Queen," "Bohemian Rhapsody," "Fat-Bottomed Girls," "We Will Rock You," and "We Are the Champions."

Are We Sure He Was Gay?

Yikes.

His screaming vocals were often matched with even-louder attire. But we still need more evidence. Let's see...what does Wikipedia have to say? "By 1980, Mercury began to frequent gay bathhouses and clubs, where he met many short-term partners." See, that could really mean anything. Business partners? Raquetball teammates? It doesn't really say.

Hold on, there's more. "Inspired by Glenn Hughes of the Village People, Mercury also began to grow a moustache around this time."

We have a homo!

Why He Kicked Ass:

This is an easy one. Just go to YouTube and type "Queen live" in the search box. Note his stage presence, his love of the crowd, and that voice. Wow, that voice. I might go gay if I knew it'd give me a set of pipes like that.

Elton John

Sir Elton John is a pianist that has won Grammys and an Oscar in recognition of his musical success. Like Mercury, he has a strong, recognizeable voice. Also like Mercury, um...

Wooooooooo!!!!!

Are We Sure He's Gay?

Yes. Yes we are.

Why He Kicks Ass:

Are you serious? Elton John is a master of composing situations that are familiar to all of us, situations that really hit us in the depths of our souls. I'm a Rocket Man! I'm alone in outer space and I'm horribly lonesome! Who doesn't identify with that? He composed music for The Lion King! Come on! Remember when, like Mufasa, your dad fell off a cliff with the assistance of his evil brother? When "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" came on, what male in here honestly suppressed the urge to pounce like Simba on the nearest helpless female? If you suppressed that urge, good sir, you just might be as gay as...

Ian McKellen

Sir Ian is one fantastic actor. We here in the states know him for playing Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings trilogy and Magneto in the X-Men series. However, the stage in Britain has long been a spot where he can consistently be found, and he thoroughly scared the American out of me in Apt Pupil.

Are We Sure He's Gay?

Yes. Although, he's somewhat more discreet than the previous two rock stars about his lifestyle. Instead of frequenting bathhouses and wearing light blue feather boas, McKellen was a founding member of Stonewall in 1988, a prominent LGBT rights organization.

Why He Kicks Ass:

If there is one person on this earth whom you should never cross, it is Sir Ian McKellan. I have personally seen this seemingly frail man lift vehicles, snap bridges, and propel bullets with his brain. You don't mess with Sir Ian.

For crossing Ian, the cameraman's new vocation quickly became "hand puppet"

As if that weren't enough, McKellen also has some formal wizarding background, not unlike our final entrant into this exclusive list:



Albus Dumbledore

Are We Sure He Was Gay?

Well, author and probable female J.K. Rowling proclaimed after Dumbledore's death that he was gay in life. Quite the loving obituary...those Brits sure know how to send someone off. I, for one, am not buying this one. It's just a bookselling ploy, people! We all know that the gay community boycotts reading of all kinds unless the author openly supports their cause. Apparently Rowling needed a few more books to sell to finalize the horrendous dental bills she most likely incurs.

Never mind. She obviously needed the extra cash to pay for those sweater melons. Nevertheless, I can't believe she would slander the former Hogwarts headmaster after his death, effectively giving him no chance to defend himself! Can you imagine?

Reporter: L Tray died this evening, because he was old balls. He will be missed. Also, he was gay.

L Tray's ghost: What? Dammit! No I wasn't! Shit! Oh, if only I could come back to life to refute this horribly untrue claim!

If Dumbledore were actually gay, he would have leaned toward those tendencies in life. Sure, he never got with the ladies, but he also never kissed on any dudes. This means that we have to assume he was straight, for two reasons.

1. There are more straight people than there are gay people.

2. J.K. Rowling is a woman. Thus, she is not to be trusted.

Why He Kicked Ass:

Because he was straight.

The verdict? If you are an elderly, non-fictional, male, foreign celebrity, you are most certainly gay. Dumbledore almost threw the whole correlation upside down, but it turns out he's not a real person. So to any famous, toothless Brits reading this, it's now a fact: You are gay.